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Why I Want to Give Up
Mar. 12th, 2019 05:55 pmSo, some background: I am polyamorous and prefer to approach relationships from a perspective of relationship anarchy, but currently the only person I am closely enmeshed with is my husband, who I married in the fall of 2016. We became roommates and sexual/romantic partners in April 2016, although we'd known each other as friends for about 2 years before that. We didn't get married because I "believe in" marriage as a particular kind of relationship to strive for or anything, but we wanted me to get residency (I am originally from the US and moved here a few years ago) and once it seemed likely that we would be together for a while I wanted to make sure I could take him with me if I went back to the US to study, or to Europe, as seemed very likely since I want to go back to school and get at least a Masters.
Things have been rough between us for more than a year. Of course there were issues long before that, but when I first found myself wishing he would go away and leave me to live my life without him was around the beginning of 2018. I had just gotten back from a vacation spent at my mom's house and found that he'd taken advantage of my absence to make some renovations to the house we've bought together which I had previously made very clear that I was firmly against. Also the house was a mess and he'd cluttered up all the surface so there was nowhere for me to study or even eat, and according to him it was completely unreasonable for me to expect him to clean up when things were going to just get dirty again as long as we had renovations and other projects going on. (As if I could just stop needing spaces to eat and sleep and shower and prepare food and use my computer for however many years it takes us to not be in the middle of a project.) That particular conflict mostly resolved but there were others, and lots of things that I look back on and wonder how the fuck he thought it was okay to say/do something like that to me.
There were times of serious angst. I talked to people about it and they encouraged me to move out and live separately for a while, but in this country it's actually illegal not to live with your spouse unless you file jointly for separation or go to a judge to formally accuse them of abusing you. And that would disqualify me from renewing my temporary residency until it becomes permanent in a few years, which I really wanted and had put a lot of effort and money into. If we divorced completely I was afraid of losing the house that my family gave us money to buy but which is in his name and 50% his by law, and which has too expensive a mortgage for me to pay for on my own. I thought about signing us up to go to counseling together but couldn't bring myself to schedule any sessions, because I was too afraid that if I went into a session without knowing ahead of time exactly what I would be talking about and how to say it, having another person there would do nothing to protect me from the consequences of pissing him off. I was afraid a lot and felt trapped.
A couple of things got me past that helpless feeling. One was that he genuinely got a lot nicer until being around him didn't make me miserable and I stopped feeling so afraid of being honest with him. Another was that we moved into separate bedrooms so I had some space that I could control. Also I started going out more and having more success in my attempts to be social. And most importantly I started learning about the concept of enforcing boundaries instead of just helplessly complaining when they aren't respected or else giving up on relationships entirely. These last winter holidays I spent a lot of my time reading books on the topic and it was super helpful.
So anyway I ended the year feeling pretty good about things. I'm only going to interact with him on my terms and he can deal with it or leave, I don't particularly care which; that was the plan. I'd discovered that I could apply for citizenship as early as last fall (our 2-year anniversary) instead of having to wait another couple of years for the residency to automatically become permanent, so I did. He told me it would be easy to sell the house if we wanted and pay back my relatives, so I wasn't so worried about messy fights over property.
Okay, so that was a little more in the way of context than I was planning for. Anyway...
I felt pretty good until just the last couple of weeks, when things changed again. The things that I think have been making me sad are:
1. I'd always thought that if I really wanted to, if I was willing to be mean about it, I could make him stop touching me when I didn't want to be touched and get him out of my room when I wanted him to leave. I learned that neither of those things are true. I mean, he'll eventually stop/leave, but not immediately when I tell him to. First he has to spend a few minutes whining and trying to convince me to change my mind. And when it comes to the boundaries of my literal physical body that is not fucking good enough.
But if I can't physically withdraw from him in my own house, that means that pretty much the only available strategy for enforcing any boundary whatsoever is to walk across the street to my relatives' and crash on their spare bed for the night. That's inconvenient for me in ways that are just unfair, and the thought of having to do it over and over again is just so exhausting.
2. Recently I got an invite by one of the local LGBT orgs to fill out a form indicating whether I was able to help with any aspects of a program to offer shelter (basically foster homes) to LGBT teenagers who are kicked out of their parents' houses. There would be a stipend to cover the monetary costs. We have, as mentioned, two bedrooms, one of which is theoretically the guest bedroom.
There are probably a lot of reasons this would be a bad idea and we don't really have the resources (in terms of time/knowledge) to care for a minor. But what really got to me was the realization that even if we were sleeping in the same bedroom, there wouldn't be a point to even raising the topic with him in order to go through and figure out exactly what made it impossible. He would be utterly opposed to the idea and not even understand why I found it appealing.
3. This stupid article about approaching transness through the realization that the cute girly clothing you own doesn't spark joy for you, and giving yourself permission to let go of that gender presentation. I did a dysphoria purge of my wardrobe a few years ago, and relate a lot, down to feeling so torn about getting rid of things that used to be so special to me.
But the one thing that's really different about the author's situation and mine, is that their boyfriend-now-husband was actively supportive and helped them do scary things like shop in the men's clothing section for the first time. I am so jealous. My husband doesn't have an issue with me wearing as many men's clothing items as I feel like, in fact mostly he thinks it's cool, but he likes to remind me that *he* sees me as a woman with a delightfully feminine body, to whine at me to grow my hair out, to remind me that I "need" to shave my body hair, and I don't know just how much of a fit he'll throw if I ever announce that I'm going on hormones. If I instead had people like that guy being supportive and actively liking it when I take steps to express myself, I might well have gone on hormones a year ago already. It's hard to say, because I only know my current reality where weighing up private personal satisfaction versus the hassle and health risks* and societal disapproval doesn't convince me to try it.
Anyway, that is why I'm feeling bummed lately.
(I'm probably going to move all posts on this topic to whatever they call friendslocking here, possibly very soon, so comment and don't be shy if you want to be added to the list. I'm not really that picky about who to show this stuff to, I just don't want my husband or some of my other family members to run across it.)
*health risks for me, personally. Transitioning is not inherently bad for physical health, but my circumstances are unusual. I want to be a little more androgynous, not look like a dude with a full beard. But too low a dose of testosterone and instead of replacing my body's estrogen I'm supplementing it, putting me at increased risk for strokes/heart disease as well as basically everything that comes with polycystic ovarian syndrome.
Also a low dose won't stop my period, which is something I really really want. I could stop it with progesterol instead, but progesterone is exactly the hormone that induces hormonal depression, which I already can't stand my body's own natural production of every cycle, and I have experienced it getting much worse on a period-stopping dose of progesterol. While we don't really understand exactly how sex hormones influence mood, it does seem likely that testosterone could ameliorate that, but how likely is that if I have so much less of it in my body than most people who rely on it instead of estrogen?
Things have been rough between us for more than a year. Of course there were issues long before that, but when I first found myself wishing he would go away and leave me to live my life without him was around the beginning of 2018. I had just gotten back from a vacation spent at my mom's house and found that he'd taken advantage of my absence to make some renovations to the house we've bought together which I had previously made very clear that I was firmly against. Also the house was a mess and he'd cluttered up all the surface so there was nowhere for me to study or even eat, and according to him it was completely unreasonable for me to expect him to clean up when things were going to just get dirty again as long as we had renovations and other projects going on. (As if I could just stop needing spaces to eat and sleep and shower and prepare food and use my computer for however many years it takes us to not be in the middle of a project.) That particular conflict mostly resolved but there were others, and lots of things that I look back on and wonder how the fuck he thought it was okay to say/do something like that to me.
There were times of serious angst. I talked to people about it and they encouraged me to move out and live separately for a while, but in this country it's actually illegal not to live with your spouse unless you file jointly for separation or go to a judge to formally accuse them of abusing you. And that would disqualify me from renewing my temporary residency until it becomes permanent in a few years, which I really wanted and had put a lot of effort and money into. If we divorced completely I was afraid of losing the house that my family gave us money to buy but which is in his name and 50% his by law, and which has too expensive a mortgage for me to pay for on my own. I thought about signing us up to go to counseling together but couldn't bring myself to schedule any sessions, because I was too afraid that if I went into a session without knowing ahead of time exactly what I would be talking about and how to say it, having another person there would do nothing to protect me from the consequences of pissing him off. I was afraid a lot and felt trapped.
A couple of things got me past that helpless feeling. One was that he genuinely got a lot nicer until being around him didn't make me miserable and I stopped feeling so afraid of being honest with him. Another was that we moved into separate bedrooms so I had some space that I could control. Also I started going out more and having more success in my attempts to be social. And most importantly I started learning about the concept of enforcing boundaries instead of just helplessly complaining when they aren't respected or else giving up on relationships entirely. These last winter holidays I spent a lot of my time reading books on the topic and it was super helpful.
So anyway I ended the year feeling pretty good about things. I'm only going to interact with him on my terms and he can deal with it or leave, I don't particularly care which; that was the plan. I'd discovered that I could apply for citizenship as early as last fall (our 2-year anniversary) instead of having to wait another couple of years for the residency to automatically become permanent, so I did. He told me it would be easy to sell the house if we wanted and pay back my relatives, so I wasn't so worried about messy fights over property.
Okay, so that was a little more in the way of context than I was planning for. Anyway...
I felt pretty good until just the last couple of weeks, when things changed again. The things that I think have been making me sad are:
1. I'd always thought that if I really wanted to, if I was willing to be mean about it, I could make him stop touching me when I didn't want to be touched and get him out of my room when I wanted him to leave. I learned that neither of those things are true. I mean, he'll eventually stop/leave, but not immediately when I tell him to. First he has to spend a few minutes whining and trying to convince me to change my mind. And when it comes to the boundaries of my literal physical body that is not fucking good enough.
But if I can't physically withdraw from him in my own house, that means that pretty much the only available strategy for enforcing any boundary whatsoever is to walk across the street to my relatives' and crash on their spare bed for the night. That's inconvenient for me in ways that are just unfair, and the thought of having to do it over and over again is just so exhausting.
2. Recently I got an invite by one of the local LGBT orgs to fill out a form indicating whether I was able to help with any aspects of a program to offer shelter (basically foster homes) to LGBT teenagers who are kicked out of their parents' houses. There would be a stipend to cover the monetary costs. We have, as mentioned, two bedrooms, one of which is theoretically the guest bedroom.
There are probably a lot of reasons this would be a bad idea and we don't really have the resources (in terms of time/knowledge) to care for a minor. But what really got to me was the realization that even if we were sleeping in the same bedroom, there wouldn't be a point to even raising the topic with him in order to go through and figure out exactly what made it impossible. He would be utterly opposed to the idea and not even understand why I found it appealing.
3. This stupid article about approaching transness through the realization that the cute girly clothing you own doesn't spark joy for you, and giving yourself permission to let go of that gender presentation. I did a dysphoria purge of my wardrobe a few years ago, and relate a lot, down to feeling so torn about getting rid of things that used to be so special to me.
But the one thing that's really different about the author's situation and mine, is that their boyfriend-now-husband was actively supportive and helped them do scary things like shop in the men's clothing section for the first time. I am so jealous. My husband doesn't have an issue with me wearing as many men's clothing items as I feel like, in fact mostly he thinks it's cool, but he likes to remind me that *he* sees me as a woman with a delightfully feminine body, to whine at me to grow my hair out, to remind me that I "need" to shave my body hair, and I don't know just how much of a fit he'll throw if I ever announce that I'm going on hormones. If I instead had people like that guy being supportive and actively liking it when I take steps to express myself, I might well have gone on hormones a year ago already. It's hard to say, because I only know my current reality where weighing up private personal satisfaction versus the hassle and health risks* and societal disapproval doesn't convince me to try it.
Anyway, that is why I'm feeling bummed lately.
(I'm probably going to move all posts on this topic to whatever they call friendslocking here, possibly very soon, so comment and don't be shy if you want to be added to the list. I'm not really that picky about who to show this stuff to, I just don't want my husband or some of my other family members to run across it.)
*health risks for me, personally. Transitioning is not inherently bad for physical health, but my circumstances are unusual. I want to be a little more androgynous, not look like a dude with a full beard. But too low a dose of testosterone and instead of replacing my body's estrogen I'm supplementing it, putting me at increased risk for strokes/heart disease as well as basically everything that comes with polycystic ovarian syndrome.
Also a low dose won't stop my period, which is something I really really want. I could stop it with progesterol instead, but progesterone is exactly the hormone that induces hormonal depression, which I already can't stand my body's own natural production of every cycle, and I have experienced it getting much worse on a period-stopping dose of progesterol. While we don't really understand exactly how sex hormones influence mood, it does seem likely that testosterone could ameliorate that, but how likely is that if I have so much less of it in my body than most people who rely on it instead of estrogen?
